I wish that I could be one of those people who doesn’t care what everyone else thinks about me (Hi, mom!). I have always been incredibly self-conscious about just about everything. I’ve been on a constant yo-yo diet since I was 13 (and weighed about half of what I do now!). I straighten my naturally curly hair. I even got braces at the age of 38. It’s not vanity. It’s a genuine dislike of most things that make me “me.” My height, my cackling laugh. Even the size of my feet.
But something has changed since I became a mom. From the time my daughters were born, I (like most other moms) thought that they were wonderful and nearly perfect. Of course all babies are cute. Most toddlers are cute. Not all kids are cute, but I appreciated everything about mine.
They have always been in the 99th percentile for height. People comment about it all the time, some not so nicely. “Wow, your girls are like Amazons!” Of course it hurts to hear someone say things like that about your kids. I would rush to defend them. “Yeah, they’ve always been tall. Just like their mom and dad!” They would ask while making a face “What size shoes do they wear??” I would answer, “The same as me. It’s really convenient that we can all share now!” No matter what they said, I found a way to put a positive spin on it.
Somewhere along the way I realized that I wasn’t just defending THEM, I was also standing up for myself. How can I convince my daughter that it is perfectly fine to be the tallest girl in her class when I hate that I am the tallest woman among my friends? How could I convince her to smile pretty despite her braces if I was trying to hide mine?
Everyone says that Jillian is my “Mini Me,” and they are right. Inside and out we share many of the same traits from hair texture and body shape to singing voice and drama queen tendencies. Cassie and I look less alike but she has my height, feet size, eye color, singing voice, and many other traits. Looking at them and loving them unconditionally, how can I not appreciate those same traits in myself? The answer is that I have learned to!
Last month, I wore high heels to an event for the first time in years. I admit that I did try to make myself a bit smaller in some of the pictures, but old habits die hard. As for the braces, you won’t catch me NOT smiling in a picture…top and bottom teeth both showing. I still have my hangups for sure and things that I am trying to change. At the same time, I am understanding more that people truly do love you despite all of those things. Why shouldn’t you love yourself? For every person that made a rude comment about my daughters, 10 other people told me how beautiful they are. Shouldn’t I see the same positive traits in myself?
I will never forget the day that I was getting dressed to go out and kept looking at myself in the mirror, disappointed in what I saw. One of my girls walked in, took one look at my face and said “Mom, you don’t look fat.” She knew exactly what I was thinking. She could see in my face my disappointment with myself and had heard me criticize myself so many times before. It crushed me. I want my daughters to look at their mom and see a confident, secure woman who believes in herself. Because that is what I want for them someday as well.
Whether or not I looked fat in that outfit didn’t matter. What mattered was that my daughter didn’t think so. She loved me unconditionally, the way that I should love myself. And thanks to my two girls, I am getting there. When I defend their height, I am defending mine. When I tell them that no one will even notice their birthmarks, I remind myself that no one cares about mine either. When I tell them that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, I am reminding myself of the same thing.
I’ll never stop being the best “me” that I can be, but I can at least start accepting more of who that “me” is. As my daughters grow older, I hope that they will do the same.
I used to be super sensitive about everything and self conscious about myself. I started looking around at other people and realized that I was in a pretty good place. I’m super tall, so I can reach the top of ANYTHING. I love wearing heels, because I scare the beejeebers out of everyone. I love being called an Amazon (I’ll eat you if you get in my way!). Yep! I have way too much junk in the trunk and my chest is huge, but whatevs…I am who I am and I love to eat. I’m healthy and happy (and hilarious).
Life is too short to worry about what someone else sees. Haters gonna hate! I wake up every morning remembering my blessings. I’m a breast cancer survivor. I have three healthy, happy, smart children. I have a husband, who for better or worse is mine all mine. We have careers, a home, food to eat (yep, there’s the junk in my trunk), new cars to drive, and family and friends who loves us. We have each other!
I look in the mirror and I know there are things about me that aren’t perfect. And so does every other person looking in their own mirror. So in the meantime, I’ll wear my make up dark, make my hair puffy, put on huge earrings, and strap on my heels (I almost sound like a disco dancer or a hooker) and I’m going out there and enjoying every second of my life. If someone has a problem with it, look the other way! There’s too much fab in this body not share with the world! BAM! Diva out! LOL!!!
Love you cuz!
This is totally off topic, but I hated my curly hair too until I learned how to deal with it. Which was sadly just a few years ago. Let me know if you want any help 🙂 It’s soo much easier than trying to straighten it when it gets humid out.
Tricia,
You have me in tears reading this…thank you for sharing this very personal insight. Your post evokes so many thoughts swirling around in my mind. I’ll start with the ones about you. (And I know you didn’t post this with even the vaguest notion that people would come along and share their thoughts on you, but here’s what I think anyway.)
I never noticed you were tall. I’ve known you for five years…and I LOVE your laugh. LOVE IT. I see you as gorgeous, confident, smart, and oh-so-compassionate, real and humble. In so many ways, I want to be like you.
As for me, and my three girls, we’re tall. But my youngest is VERY, VERY tall. So is my youngest son. They both look at least three years older than they are. I’ve never seen it as anything other than a blessing for either of them. I’ve been proud of their size forever. Look at them on the baseball field? Look at my girl climbing a fence in her high-heeled sandals. She’s like an Amazon princess because she’s strong, fierce, beautiful, confident and resourceful. I honestly would’ve taken those comments as a compliment. One of my girls wears a size 11 shoe…she’s not exactly happy about that. But I don’t see any issue with it. She gets all the best shoes off the clearance racks – just like the people in size 5 1/2 and 6!
You can raise your girls to be confident about who they are, how God made them, while healing yourself from inaccurate self-perceptions. You not only are all those things, you’ve always been them. Lastly, I’m so proud of you for taking the time to re-assess perceptions, and eradicate any negative ones from being passed down. Well done! 🙂
This is one of those things that I think is a blessing that comes with age. Now that I am nearing 50 – and owning every year of it – I think less and less about what others think and care more and more about my actions and words making me someone of whom I can be proud.
Love and be your own beautiful self!
Great post Tricia! I think every woman (me included) struggles with insecurities at some point. It’s nice to hear we aren’t alone. You are beautiful, and I love having you as a friend!
Thanks, Kim! Right back at ya!!